BDSM Advice

Question:  What is the deal with wearing a collar?

Answer:  Although wearing a collar is not required, collaring the submissive is a clear and definitive indication that the scene has started. It is also a physical, visceral reminder to the submissive that they are now in service to their Domme, that the Domme’s will is now their directive to be obeyed without question. It is the submissive’s opportunity to give their gift of submission during this time. The Domme will be scrutinizing and assessing the submissive’s behavior during the scene. It is the Domme’s responsibility to discipline infractions during this time. Each party has responsibilities to the other when the submissive is collared, and fulfilling these responsibilities establishes and strengthens trust between the parties. Contact me here and put “Free Collaring Ritual” in the subject line and I’ll send you a free sample  I’ve created that you can use.

 

Question:  What is a BDSM contract and do I need one?

Answer:  It is a written agreement between the Top (Domme) and the Bottom (submissive) as to what is expected of each within their relationship or scene. You don’t need one, but it formalizes the relationship, and when playing with someone for the first time, I think it is helpful as it gives each party a clear understanding of their roles, the rules and parameters of their play. It can also spell out the terms of their engagement, how long the scene will last, how many scenes the submissive and Domme are willing to engage in, etc.  Since BDSM is consensual play, the contract can have whatever agreements the two have worked out. Contact me here and put “Free Contract” in the subject line and I’ll send you a free sample Contract I’ve created that you can revise for your own use. If you’d like me to draft a Contract specific to your situation, let me know and we’ll work something out.

 

Question:  How should I introduce my vanilla partner to BDSM?

Answer:  It depends on your partner. You might try holding them down by their wrists during love-making and see if that makes things hotter or cooler. If it turns them on, you might suggest bondage. A sensual spanking is a good way to test the waters, too.  50 Shades Of Gray (the book) is NOT a good introduction for many reasons. #1. Do you really want to let your partner know you read trash? #2. Do you want your partner to hate you for making them slog through the worst books ever written? Kidding aside, there are BDSM surveys online, although they tend to be long and filled with a lot of things your partner might find offensive. I’ve created a BDSM-Lite survey that is shorter and less scary for vanillas, and I include more detailed instructions on how to introduce your partner to BDSM. Contact me at here and put “Survey” as the first line of your email and I’ll send the Survey and Instructions to you.

Follow your partner’s lead as you don’t want to freak them out. Agree to play for a short period of time, perhaps 30 minutes. That may not seem like a long time to you, but it will to someone who is tied up and blindfolded.  When the timer goes off, be sure to give plenty of aftercare cuddles and assurances, telling your partner how much you enjoyed them in the scene and their willingness to play with you in that way. Top it off with very loving and steamy sex, making sure your partner has a fantastic time, and chances are, they will want to play again.

 

Question:  I’ve heard that although it looks like the Dom is in control, it’s really the submissive. How can this be true?

Answer:  The bottom line is that the submissive can always call their safeword (which is a word that immediately stops the scene), so the  submissive does have the ultimate control. They can stop the scene any time they are uncomfortable for any reason. The D/s relationship is based on trust and respect. The sub trusts that their Dom will respect their limits. If they don’t, the sub has every right to use their safeword. Depending on the relationship and the ensuing aftercare and discussion, the sub may wish to terminate the relationship. It is not about the Dom getting what they want; it’s about each party respecting each other and having their needs fulfilled.

 

Question:  Is sex always a part of BDSM?

Answer:  No. Sex is only involved if both parties have agreed to it. If you are in a sexual relationship with someone and you want to explore BDSM together, I highly recommend sex play. Would you have sex on the first date? If so, then maybe you would have sex with a Dom you’re playing with for the first time. I would strongly advise that you get to know the Dom before you play. You need to know they can be trusted and that they will respect you before you hand over your power to them.

 

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